FADE IN:
INT. Embassy Suites conference room that has been split in half by a fake wall. The freshman and senior girls all sit in a big circle in the center of the room.The freshman and senior boys are on the other side of the fake wall, allowing each side to hear a bit of what the other is saying.
LISA, BELLA, LIVI, JENNA – The popular senior girls. They lay casually on the floor in their pajamas that look too cool to be pajamas.
CARLY WINICK – A freshman who is sitting next to SARAH in the circle. The two have known each other for about 6 years now, but weren’t really friends, despite being next to each other in the alphabet. She also wore pajamas that looked too expensive to be pajamas.
SARAH – Queer, but won’t fully realize it for another year-and-a-half. Just wants to “fit-in” and be like everyone else. Wearing pajama pants that are many years old and a shirt from her friend’s bar-mitzvah.
LISA
You know who I think is really cute? That sophomore, Isaac Levitan?
BELLA
Yes, but have you considered Jake Silvers?
LIVI
Just so you all know, they have been having this debate for a year now.
JENNA
Wait, I have an idea.Let’s go around in a circle and everyone can say which sophomore boy they think is the cutest!
LISA
Yes, a genius idea. I will start with the obvious answer of Isaac Levitan.
Everyone then goes around and says whom they believe to be the cutest sophomore boy.
As it grows ever closer to Sarah’s turn, she becomes more and more nervous. She knows who both those boys are but she doesn’t think either of them is anything special. In fact, she doesn’t think any of the boys in the whole school are anything special. She resolves to just say whatever the person before her said.
CARLY WINICK
Oh definitely Isaac Levitan, come on!
SARAH hesitates, then says quietly
Uh Isaac Levitan I guess.
The circle continues. SARAH lets out a sigh of relief that no one noticed her hesitation and was able to “play it cool.”
Artist’s Statement
In the month leading up to the freshman shabbaton (the school sponsored overnight where this event took place) we freshmen were told that it would be one of the best weekends of our highschool careers. I was excited; despite attending middle school with most of my classmates and having an extremely small sized grade when compared to public schools, during the first month of school I had struggled making friends. I was especially looking forward to a time on Friday night after Shabbat services and dinner had finished called “Gender Time,” in which the boy and girls would be separated, with no teachers present, and the seniors of each respective group tell the freshman all the school secrets.
I remember walking into the big conference room that had been split in half. I remember the mix of excitement and nervousness I felt as we sat down in a big circle and shared our names. I remember the sense of comfort I felt when they talked about how they as a bunch of straight cis girls thought it was a safe space for LGBTQ+ people. And I remember the sudden fear and discomfort that occurred when they asked who we thought the cutest sophomore boy was. I had had crushes on boys before, but I never really went out of my way to notice them, so when I was asked that question I froze from fear. I had not yet realized I was queer, and the thought of being any kind of different terrified me, so I elected to just say whatever the person in front of me said.
After that weekend I remembered the question and the fear and anxiety I experienced during it, but I never really processed why until the summer between my sophomore and junior years, when I finally realized I was queer. I was finally able to comprehend how weird it was that these cis-straight girls told us how safe of a space the school is for LGBTQ+ folks and switched right around to assuming we were all straight. I do not think I will ever forget that moment, but I can use it to mark my growth in my self confidence and my queer idenity.